Regardless of Anything

Another thought question:

"Why is it not OK for two people REGARDLESS of ANYTHING who love each other to be in a legally binding marriage?"

I was interested in how this particular question would pan out at our recent election. According to the press I read and some of the GBLT sites I read, Oregon was considered the best shot at getting legalized same-gender marriages as a possibility.

I also read the Voter Pamphlet's "for" and "against" ramblings. Everyone of them. The overall theme for the people who wanted to amend our [state] constitution was "it's morally wrong for same genders to marry", while the overall theme for those who didn't want the constitution amended was more "state constitutions shouldn't include biased language", although there were a few pull-at-your-conscience stories about same-gender couples not being given the same treatment with regard to hospital visits, children, etc.

This attitude about same-gender relationships being morally wrong is the single biggest struggle I'm up against when I considered re-joining my childhood church, and when I consider leaving said church.

We got a proclamation from the church heads that homosexual relations are "sinful" (along with any sexual contact outside of marriage). One of the heads goes on to say:

"Most of us are born with [or develop] thorns in the flesh, some more visible, some more serious than others. We all seem to have susceptibilities to one disorder or another, but whatever our susceptibilities, we have the will and the power to control our thoughts and our actions. This must be so. God has said that he holds us accountable for what we do and what we think, so our thoughts and actions must be controllable by our agency. Once we have reached the age or condition of accountability, the claim 'I was born that way' does not excuse actions or thoughts that fail to conform to the commandments of God. We need to learn how to live so that a weakness that is mortal will not prevent us from achieving the goal that is eternal."

So - "I was born that way" is something to overcome, in their way of thinking. This same official even refutes scientific claims of gender-preference determination by citing two scientists as

"It is imperative that clinicians and behavioral scientists begin to appreciate the complexities of sexual orientation and resist the urge to search for simplistic explanations, either psychosocial or biologic."

and concluding

"This observation, but one of many suggestions from scientists, is particularly persuasive because it takes account of the vital element of individual choice that we know to be a true principle of our mortal condition."

Wow that turned into a rather long tirade. All I meant to say is that I personally believe it is okay, regardless of anything, for two people who love each other to be married. I don't believe, as some vocally claim, that "allowing" same-gender couples to marry degrades the institution of marriage. I also don't believe that the goal of a marriage is to reproduce children in a family environment. If that were true, no married couple would choose to not have children. And why would couples over 50 bother getting married? Marriage, in my way of thinking, is the public expression of a private devotion. Simplisticly speaking.

In my opinion, people who choose to condemn same-gender relationships, and therefore marriages, as morally wrong are allowing their personal biases (whether directed by religion or some other source) to dictate acceptable morality. And are trying to enforce their views on everybody else.

I'm going to end this with a personal anecdote. I have a friend in Tucson [Arizona] named Jane*. I would guess she was about 40-ish when we met. When I first met her, she spoke of her "spouse", but never said husband, nor used a "him" or a "her" when referring to her spouse. Once she got to know me better and could trust me, she told me that her spouse was a transgendered female. She married a man, but she stayed with him through his operation to make him female. Jane and Katy* were best friends, and still married.

Jane and Katy had appeared on several talk shows together, and defended their relationship when people started asking the inevitable"why did you stay with him" questions. The simple answer was that they were still in love with each other. Love can withstand many things.

Now comes the however. Jane is most-assuredly heterosexual. She still loved her spouse, but craved the intimacy of a man/woman relationship to fulfill her. She and Katy remained married, but with the understanding that they would divorce once Jane found another man to marry. Jane did not have affairs. She and Katy remained married for several years before Jane found someone else to share her life with.

Incidental to the story, I met Katy. She and I became friends as well. I admire her for the things she went through when making her change.

Anyhow, I give all that background so I can tell this part. Jane and Katy sat for portraits, and I had a wallet-size one. Another friend and I (he's staunchly religious) were driving somewhere on the freeway when I showed him the picture. When I told him that one of the women was transgendered, he dropped the picture and went into a tirade about how "sick" that was and that people shouldn't be able to act like that. I quickly pulled over to the side of the freeway and told him that if he was going to react that way to get out of the car. Those were my friends and I wasn't going to listen to him put them down. People have the right to behave as they choose, provided they harm nobody by doing so. Basically I laid into him. I didn't even know I felt that way until he challenged me about it. So anyway, he apologized for upsetting me and I didn't leave him stranded. I did, however, limit my exposure to him in the future, and he was very very careful about that particular subject.

In retrospect I suppose I overreacted. I don't expect everyone to have the same opinion as I do, but I do expect differences of opinion to be handled with maturity and not as a personal attack, whether against me or any other person. Is that too much to expect?

*Names changed to protect anonymity