Melancholy Me

Along about lunchtime today I became very down in the doldrums - melancholy - you get the picture. Generally that happens to me at a certain time of the month so I just slog my way through. Not relevant this time.

So I got to thinking. Naturally that environment (melancholy, etc.) doesn't encourage positive thinking, but nevertheless I got to thinking.

It's when I'm the most down that I long for familiarity. I actually think my upcoming planned trip to visit my daughter, et al at the end of March is a contributing factor to my doldrums. Knowing it's coming, but isn't here yet, and the anticipation involved. Anyhow, I felt today the by-now familiar tug of my extended family in Oklahoma. Strong, but not the overriding reason for my restlessness.

You know what? I'm lonely. Yep, me. The self-proclaimed satisfied-to-be-single, nobody-matters-more-than-my-daughter-does, 35-almost-36-year-old woman at this keyboard.

I want to be somebody's most-important person. And not just anybody's MIP. The MIP of the person who's also MIP to me. A mate, not merely a friend or companion. I've been without for entirely too long.

So now that I have that desire, nothing will come of it unless I set a goal. Which plunged me right back into my doldrums again. I haven't had a significant other since I left the Reno area almost six years ago. And even then my relationships were more physical than anything else (except Kurt which was an entirely different realm of pain-no physical, all emotional).

I'm much fatter now than I was when I played the field following my divorce in 1992. Yet I don't recall that changing my own self-esteem attitude, but maybe it has? Yet I'm reluctant to point the finger in that direction because placing the blame on one specific thing is a setup for disaster if, when that one thing is overcome, the situation is unchanged.

So the question is - how to become more alluring to a potential mate? First one must go where there is likely to be a mate. No bars for me, and I'm not at all comfortable with the thought of being shackled to the LDS role of wife/mother so church is out. Once this elusive pool of eligible mates is found, how does one catch the mate's eye? So many facets to consider. So again my doldrums.

I'm beginning to understand why some people just give up. I'm much too selfish to do that of course, but I can begin to see why it has its appeal.

So there you have it - melancholy me on a Thursday eve. Thanks for "listening".