Desire

[Edited 3/23/05 - changed post date back to original. I have my answer now, though I'll still carry the torch for awhile. Takes me awhile to change my thinking patterns.]

I think about you more than I ought to. I catch myself momentarily distracted by wondering. Dissecting each word of each past correspondence. Looking for a way to spin things to my advantage. And oh man how I reacted to your voice on the phone!

But careful. So very careful. Don't want to set myself up for another tailspin.

I even considered telling you goodbye. Several times actually. Each time that your return email took more than a day. Demonstrating my lack of importance in your life. Finally brought me to the point of originally writing "melancholy me" and sending it out to some of my closest friends for comment.

I've been through this before. Attracted to a man who only wants to be a friend. The first one - I started out our friendship by proposing to him. Anonymously. Through a type-written letter, a type-written envelope. But he knew. I've kept that letter - his response - all these years, though I finally threw away all the other letters several years ago. It was sweet and tender, but precise and not open to interpretation. I was disappointed, and I still carried a torch for him for years after, but eventually I settled into a comfortable friendship with him.

The second - oh the second I don't think I'll ever truly get over. But then, it's only been three years since I broke that off. Walked away. I had to completely sever the ties. I loved him so much it hurt. Being with him hurt, every single minute. I ached to hold him, to kiss him, to have his return love - not just affection. We were the best of friends. Never lovers. I knew him better than anybody else ever did, and he knew me almost as well. And my daughter loved him too. He was her surrogate stepfather. The night I said goodbye to him, she sobbed into her pillow. That combined with saying goodbye to him almost pushed me over the edge. She still misses him.

And now you. I think about you more than I ought to. I know I said that already. I enjoyed our camaraderie when you sold me my car. I passed it off as good salesmanship. Would've left it at that, but then you said hello in the grocery store parking lot. Didn't have to. I hadn't seen you - you flagged me down. And you'd grown hair; I wouldn't have recognized you. But you said hello, chit-chatted a bit. I almost asked you to lunch, but chickened out. I had a harder time passing that one off, but eventually I did. But then I emailed you to tell you Happy Thanksgiving, and things moved out of the salesman arena and into the acquaintance arena.

So now I have to be careful and watch what I do. I tell people at work I couldn't possibly be attracted to you. You smoke, and I've kissed a smoker before. Didn't like kissing the ashtray. And the whole 4-day MILF thing pretty much told me what I wanted to know. Doesn't seem to change the fact that I am attracted to you. I'm just being very very careful not to show it in an obvious way. I'm even going to hide this blog entry somewhere off the first page so you're less likely to read it [actual post day 3/17/05 at 11:57 p.m.]. And I'm also waiting to see what your move will be. Friends? Acquaintances? Email buddies? I don't want another fling. Gave those up years ago and I have no regrets. I'm being reactive instead of proactive this time around. This ties in with the last sentence of my "Where do I go from here?" blog entry.