Irrational Emotions

Irrational Emotions...that's an oxymoron, isn't it? ;-) Or no, I think "rational emotions" would be the oxymoron, but I digress.

I have a best friend. I've talked about him before - Kurt. He's currently incommunicado - again - and that started me thinking. I think - actually it's more like believe - that I've been a sucker about him all these years.

Much of this explanation will likely seem fragmented. That's unavoidable since to give all the background would take weeks or months. [Edit: I'll post more about him later I'm sure.]

Kurt and I have the kind of close relationship that happily married couples develop once the passion is no longer the main focus of their relationship. (You'll probably want to debate that, but see if you can grasp the concept even if you don't agree with my chronological placement of that feeling.) We have been through a lot together, including intense dislike for the other and a period of just over a year where we didn't speak at all. Nevertheless we have made it through and our friendship seems to have grown and developed because of (instead of in spite of) all that.

This latest round of shutting me out set me to thinking. It seems to me that he participates reciprocally in this friendship only when it is convenient for him. I never really noticed that pattern before this time, but the frequency of his shutting me out (I call this his turtle mode) is increasing. So I started thinking about the events that are happening when he does his turtle impression. It always follows a period of time when I have been very busy socially. He lives in Nevada, so our contact since I moved here (during our year of silence) is mostly telephone with occasional emails. He expects a return phone call within an hour or two. If I'm out and cannot call within that time frame he sulks. I have this thing about calling people after 9:00PM - I just don't do it unless specifically requested to do so. Sometimes my return call will catch his machine instead of him. If that goes on for more than two or three days without voice contact, he goes into his turtle mode - saying he needs to "work some stuff out" and will make contact when he's ready to talk again. Usually I respect that and leave him alone. But lately I've been doing more things that keep me away from the apartment, which keeps me away from the phone. I'm not dating anyone, simply going out - alone or with coworkers. It's this increased time away from the phone - away from him - that is, I believe, the direct cause of his increased turtle time (which I [now] see as him punishing me by keeping me away - you know, the silent treatment).

Now then. I have been reviewing our friendship since the latest invocation of his turtle mode yesterday. That's how I noticed the correlation between my increased activities and his increased turtle time. I also found that it's always me who is bending. Yes, friendships are give and take. I have searched and searched for a time when he bent instead of me but I can't think of one. It was even me who broke our silence.

I'm beginning to think that my need for his approval - his acceptance - overrode my self-preservation instinct long ago and has worn it away nearly completely from overuse. It's not nearly as tragic as domestic abuse, but I can see correlations. I think perhaps I'm addicted to him. Like an alcoholic is addicted to the freeing effects that alcohol gives them.

Now I'm wondering what to do about it. Several times since last night I've thought about writing to him and explaining similarly to the above. I keep shying away from that, though, because my intention for doing that is to continue the addiction. I guess that sentence right there, that I re-wrote at least four times, sums it all up, doesn't it? I want him in my life. But I don't think I can continue to play his game. This feels like a choice between him or me. And I must choose me. Even though I'm crying as I think about that. He's been so much of my life for the past seven or eight years.

I haven't told you all the history. Do you think my choice is really between him or me - that it's that defined, that utlimate? Or do you see within my writing a way to work a compromise so that I can keep this friendship? I already feel like that's grasping for a life preserver.

[Originally written 11/10/01 via email]